HV 


-NRLF 


GIFT  OF 


ft 


MR.  RUM 

By 

THOMAS  L.  MASSON 

ii 

Editor  of  Life 


The  American  Issue  Publishing  Company 
Westerville,  Ohio 


AGREA  i  many  :  attempts  have  been 
made  to  set  Mr.  Rum  right  with  the 
public,  but  they  have  not  been  uni- 
formly successful.  He  has  never  been  proper- 
ly advertised.  Let  us,  therefore,  place  him 
where  he  belongs.  Let  us  first  understand 
what  he  means  and  who  he  is. 

By  Mr.  Rum  I  refer,  of  course,  to  the  whole 
family  of  alcohol.  I  do  not  mean  rum  alone. 
I  mean  also  whisky.  I  mean  pousse  cafes  and 
beer  and  cocktails  and  cognac  and  champagne. 
In  short,  under  whatever  form  alcohol  may 
come  T  call  it  rum — Mr.  Rum.  I  mean  it  to 
stand  as  a  representative  of  drunkenness,  dis- 
ease, death,  dipsomania,  disintegration,  debt, 
divorce,  disgrace,  discord  and  diligent  damna- 
tion. By  diligent  damnation  I  mean  the  kind 
that  works  while  you  sleep,  that  sits  on  the 
bedpost  in  the  morning  and  jeers  at  your 
seared  eyes  and  your  singed  nerves,  that 
salivates  your  sentiments,  silts  your  courage 
and  straps  you  down  to  the  toboggan,  which 
has  no  horse  power  of  its  own,  but  develops 
its  speed  only  on  a  down  grade.  Diligent 
damnation  always  uses  a  toboggan,  and  you 
never  saw  one  going  up  hill. 

But  let  us  place  our  old  friend  Rum  where 
he  belongs.  Now,  there  is  about  him  what  we 
may  term  a  subjective  and  an  objective  atti- 
tude, or  we  may  illustrate  the  idea  by  saying 
that  there  are  two  parties  to  a  contract.  Rum, 


for  example,  is  the  party  of  the  first  part,  and 
you  or  I  or  anybody  else  may  be  the  party  of 
the  second  part.  Without  you  or  me  (the 
party  of  the  second  part),  Mr.  Rum,  the 
party  of  the  first  part,  has  a  pretty  hard 
time  of  it.  He  goes  about  trying  to  find 
trouble,  and  relying  upon  others  to  help  him. 
That  is  one  of  the  singular  things  about  Mr. 
Rum.  He  is  powerless  by  himself.  He  needs 
a  confederate,  a  side  partner,  a  "pal."  You 
never  saw  Mr.  Rum  exhibiting  his  muscle  in 
a  circus  ring  or  walking  the  tight  rope  over 
Niagara.  He's  what  the  gamblers  call  a  "four 
flusher."  He  travels  on  a  large  bluff.  He 
lives  on  promises  to  pay  and  his  notes  are 
always  coming  due.  He  is  always  undergoing 

a  process  of  liquidation. 

*     *     * 

If  Mr.  Rum  should  put  on  his  best  clothes 

and  his  sweetest  smile,  and  his  most  insinuat- 
ing manner,  and  should  attempt  to  take  a  walk 
through  Kansas  today — well,  we  know  what 
kind  of  reception  Mr.  Rum  would  get  in  Kan- 
sas, because  we  know  what  has  happened  to 
him  there  already.  Consequently,  so  far  as 
Kansas  is  concerned,  rum  is  a  nonentity.  In 
Kansas  there  is  no  party  of  the  second  part. 
And  yet  it  was  only  the  other  day  that  my 
friend,  William  Allen  White,  was  asking 
everybody,  "What's  the  matter  with  Kansas?" 
You  see,  therefore,  that  the  trouble  (and 

272947 


there  seems  to  be  trouble  over  Mr.  Rum,  for 
everybody  knows  somebody  who  seems  to 
have  been  ruined  by  him)  about  Mr.  Rum  is 
the  invitation  which  is  always  extended  to  him 
by  somebody  else.  He  never  comes  up  to  your 
house  in  the  dead  of  night,  rings  the  door  bell 
and  insists  upon  entering.  Mr.  Rum  is  usually 
introduced,  quite  frequently  by  some  kind 
friend,  and  curiously  everybody  warns  you 
about  him  before  you  meet  him.  The  ones 
who  know  him  best  are  oftentimes  the  ones 
who  warn  you  about  him  most.  They  say,  "I 
know  him,  my  boy,  I  can't  get  rid  of  him ;  take 
the  advice  of  one  who  has  been  there  and 
avoid  him." 

Another  thing  about  Mr.  Rum  is  that  at  first 
he  is  always  unpleasant — in  fact,  he  is  apt  to 
be  sickening.  It  takes  a  long  time  to  get  on 
good  terms  with  him,  and  you,  the  party  of 
the  second  part,  do  most  of  the  work.  Mr. 
Rum  stands  around  with  his  hands  in  his 
pockets  smoking  cigarettes,  and  you  have  to 
urge  him  to  be  your  friend.  Why?  Well, 
maybe  you're  lonesome.  Maybe  you  want  to 
be  entertained — to  forget  yourself.  Maybe 
you're  morally  lazy  and  are  ashamed  of  your 
own  natural  resources.  When  Mr.  Rum  has 
gotten  used  to  you  and  you  have  gotten  used 
to  him,  you  begin  to  realize  that  he  has  come 
to  stay.  You  suddenly  try  to  kick  him  out, 
but  the  next  day  you  find  him  sitting  in  the 
4 


same  old  place  with  a  quiet  smile  on  his  face, 
saying :  "Old  man,  don't  blame  me.  Remember 
that  you  asked  me  to  come.  I  was  here  by 
special  invitation  and  you  cannot  get  rid  of 
me  so  easy." 

One  of  the  peculiar  things  about  Mr.  Rum 
that  is  characteristic  is  his  infinite  patience. 
How  different  he  is,  for  example,  from  Mr. 
Prussic  Acid.  When  you  invite  Mr.  Prussic 
Acid  into  your  house,  the  moment  he  opens 
the  door  he  loses  no  time.  The  only  sure  way 
is  to  call  up  the  undertaker  before  he  comes. 
But  Mr.  Rum  goes  about  it  in  an  entirely  dif- 
ferent way.  In  the  first  place,  he  is  very 
adaptive ;  among  gentlemen  he  is  a  gentleman, 
and  among  toughs  he  is  a  tough.  He  moves 
in  all  grades  of  society  (always  by  special  in- 
vitation). The  argument  used  in  his  favor  is 
that,  take  him  little  by  little,  not  only  will  he 
do  you  no  harm,  but  he  is  an  agreeable  com- 
panion and  serves  to  pass  the  time  away.  Mr. 
Rum  doesn't  say  this,  mind  you.  It  is  always 
said  for  him  by  those  who  have  fastened  him 
to  them,  and  don't  want  to  let  on  that  he  isn't 
the  best  thing  in  the  world.  And  isn't  that 
human,  after  all?  When  you  were  a  small 
boy  and  fell  into  a  puddle  that  didn't  appear 
to  be  so  deep  as  it  really  was,  think  of  the 
energy  you  expended  afterwards  in  getting  all 
the  other  boys  in  the  neighborhood  to  do  the 
same  thing!  You'd  dare  them,  wouldn't  you? 
5 


And  work  on  their  sympathies  and  appeal  to 
their  latent  manhood — just  to  get  them  caught 
in  that  puddle. 

Now  we  all  know,  or  at  least  we  should 
.know,  if  we  have  had  any  experience  with 
life,  that  one  of  the  great  tests  of  a  man's 
common  sense  is  his  ability  to  select  his  as- 
sociates. Rothschild  laid  down  the  rule  that 
every  young  man  who  wished  to  be  successful 
should  make  a  point  to  associate  with  people 
who  were  successful.  We  know  that  the  test 
of  sense  in  business  management  is  the  ability 
to  select  good  men.  Did  you  ever  hear  of  the 
head  of  a  great  business  house  putting  Mr. 
Rum  on  the  pay  roll?  And  yet  Mr.  Rum  is  so 
adaptable,  so  ready  to  go  anywhere  and,  ac- 
cording to  the  statements  insinuated  by  his 
toon  companions,  is  thoroughly  companion- 
able and  steadfast.  Perseverance  is  one  of  the 
great  qualities  that  go  to  make  success;  con- 
sider the  perseverance  of  Mr.  Rum.  Yet  you 
never  see  him  presiding  over  directors'  meet- 
ings. He  couldn't  operate  a  typewriter  or  a 
motor  car.  Mr.  Rum  never  won  an  interna- 
tional championship.  He  doesn't  know  how  to 
hold  a  baby,  or  ride  a  bicycle,  or  talk  straight 
English.  He  can't  even  stand  up  without 
leaning  against  someone.  Yet  the  boy  you 
used  to  know,  and  envy,  who  maybe  stood  at 
the  head  of  his  class  at  school,  whose  mother 
used  to  be  afraid  that  he  would  get  to  be  presi- 

rt 


dent  of  the  United  States  too  soon  for  his 
health — this  boy  comes  up  to  you  years  later 
and  says  (with  a  sickly  leer),  "I  want  to  in- 
troduce my  or  fren'  Misher  Rum.  Bes'  fren'  I 

ever  had.     Couldn't  get  'long  'thout  him." 
*     *     * 

Now,  what  is  the  actual  truth  about  Mr. 
Rum?  It  is  really  quite  simple.  Being  him- 
self a  purely  negative  character,  he  responds 
to  a  certain  defect  in  our  own  souls.  You 
can  plaster  the  state  of  Kansas  everywhere, 
with  placards  stating  what  a  fine  companion 
Mr.  Rum  is,  but  there  would  be  no  response, 
because  the  people  of  Kansas  have  discovered 
that  the  need  which  they  feel  for  certain  • 
things,  and  which  other  people  have  come  to 
express  in  terms  of  rum,  is  no  longer  felt  by 
them.  This  need  is  expressed  by  them  for 
other  things  which  they  have  learned  are  bet- 
ter than  rum,  for  fresh  air,  for  healthy  occupa- 
tions, for  clean  thoughts ;  in  fact,  for  all  of  the 
high-minded  activities  that  come  with  a  well 
ordered  brain  and  a  wholesome  human  or- 
ganism. 

Then  it  is  perfectly  easy  to  understand 
about  Mr.  Rum  if  you  only  stop  to  look  him 
over,  to  "size  him  up" — so  to  speak.  You 
would  do  this  with  anyone  you  meet — why  not 
with  Mr.  Rum?  You  wouldn't  go  out  into  the 
streets  and  drag  the  first  stranger  you  saw 
into  your  home,  would  you — to  sit  by  your 
7 


fireside,  iiext  to 'your' wife  and  children?  If 
you  wouldn't  do  that  with  a  stranger,  why 
with  a  character  like  Mr.  Rum,  whose  reputa- 
tion for  diligent  damnation  has  spread  all  over 
the  world?  And  above  all,  don't  feel  sorry  for 
him.  If  he  is  so  companionable  you  need  feel 
no  compunctions  over  leaving  him  to  himself. 
If,  as  he  is  inclined  to  hint,  and  his  victims  de- 
clare, his  condition  is  so  desirable,  surely  then, 
consorting  with  himself  is  the  best  thing  that 
•could  happen  to  him. 

Why  not  let  him  do  it?  Why  not  let  him 
be,  not  so  patient  with  others,  as  with  him- 
self? Let  him  enjoy  himself.  Let  him  per- 
petuate a  society  in  which  he  shall  be  the 
solitary  member. 

As  for  ourselves,  let  us  also  feel  that  we  are 
capable  of  enjoying  ourselves  without  him — 
enjoying  the  honest  and  proper  development 
of  our  own  natural  resources,  while  we  are 
able  to  look  straight  into  the  eyes  of  those  we 
love  most,  without  the  secret  shame  that  we 
have  been  so  weak  and  so  unintelligent  as  U- 
bind  ourselves  for  life  to  a  total  stranger,  who 
is  perpetuated  solely  through  the  moral  cow- 
ardice of  mankind. 


YA  00923 


HV&&Q 

.M3 


3.1  3-  1 

UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


